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tv   The Daily Show  BET  March 31, 2017 12:02am-12:34am PDT

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[scoff] you-- you joking, right? [scoff] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! we have a great show tonight. from msnbc, chris hayes is here, everybody! chris hayes! ( cheers and applause ) first, do you guys remember house speaker paul ryan, part time fitness model and health care flop? after health care fell apart like a two-dollar burrito,
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president trump said he didn't blame paul ryan but the next day said they should watch the judge jeneanne show the next day. >> paul ryan needs to step down as speaker of the house. >> trevor: i'll never get used to people who speak like this! ( laughter ) i hope this is how trump fires everyone from now on. hey, rhine, steve do yo doocy wd like to have a word with you... ( laughter ) it was obvious to everyone trump was trolling ryan, but last night paul ryan explained we've all got wrong eyes. >> did you guys talk about the tweet he sent out to watch the show on fox? >> yeah, we did. he called me. he actually was very apologetic about it. he said, i had no idea that's what she was going to talk about. i thought she was going to talk about something else. so that was completely
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coincidental. he's right when he said that, he had no idea she was going do that. but this job, you take a lot of -- you take a lot of -- i knew this would be the last job i took in politics. ( intermittent talking and laughing ) >> trevor: it's going to be so much fun at the prom by myself! our marriage is great, he's just been working a lot! no, the president isn't growing throwing me under a bus! paul ryan, what are you doing? this guy's doing a lot of work to keep from meeting the conclusion that president trump is a giant dick which seems like the simplest explanation. paul ryan turned into such a pussy i'm surprised trump hasn't grabbed him yet. >> i was flying to o'hare and she said you picked the wrong
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night to give up beer. >> trevor: even his wife knows it! this is one year paul ryan doesn't need to stress about lent. i bet jesus was even, like, you don't have to give up drinking, you gave up your spine, now stay down you little bitch -- my child. ( applause ) i would like to spend the show talking about how paul ryan has been so bitchin'ed by trump he can no longer fake his emotions. there is so much news we have to handle it in another installment of "ain't nobody got time for that." ( cheers and applause ) all right, let's get straight into it. remember how donald trump and ivanka promised they wouldn't turn the white house into a mom and pop store? no nepotism, remember that? well, clearly they don't. >> breaking news, first daughter
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ivanka trump taking on initial role in the white house. >> ivanka a new title in the white house, despite her assertion last year that she wouldn't be joining her father's team. >> people think you will be part of the administration, ivanka. >> no, i'm going to be a daughter -- >> trevor: and a liar. ( laughter ) i mean, look, we all knew that donald couldn't stand to be apart from ivanka and in his four' year term he was eventually going to find some way to bring her in, but two months? i'm shocked. two months in this guy has the patience of a toddler. a smart man would go for the long con. you know, trump is the guy standing outside the jewelry store going, and now we wait till the guards go home, and then -- screw it! let's go in now! ahhh! ahhh! ahhh!
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ahhh! ( applause ) and by the way, this story comes on top of the news that eric trump, the least (bleep) of the trumps, admitted in forbes that contrary to what he said his dad would still be running the businesses, that's what he told us. he was like remember how back in late february i said i wouldn't involve my dad in our businesses? well now i'm going to report to him sometimes all the time. ( laughter ) on any other day this flaring new evidence of the president blatantly putting family over ethics would dominate our time. then you turn the page and world news. >> breaking news following out of south korea, the ousted president has been arrested, latest in a corruption scanned will saw him removed from office earlier this month. >> park is accused of bribery and abusive power letting her close friend extort millions from companies including samsung. >> trevor: wow -- a president impeached -- removed from office -- and thrown in jail --
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( laughter ) -- imagine that. ( laughter ) no, no, seriously. let's all close our eyes and imagine that. ( cheers and applause ) mmm... the story of south korea's president being arrested isn't just big news there, it also affects america. the u.s. has stationed thousands of troops in south korea just in case north korea baby man has too many boom boom juice. ( laughter ) but now with south korea's president in jail, no one knows if her replacement is going to be friendly to the u.s. but let's be honest, who has time for the world when america's own baby man is declaring war back home! >> now today president trump turned to twitter to threaten some members of his own party. >> here it is, the freedom caucus will hurt the entire republican agenda if they don't get on the team and fast. we must fight them? >> members of the caucus are not simply taking it on the chin, far from it, justin amash tweeting today it didn't take
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long for the swamp to drain trump. no shame, mr. president, almost everyone succumbs to the d.c. establishment ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: first of all, that was a good burn. ( laughter ) secondly, this is when you realize how extreme american politics has become. freedom caucus guy is accusing donald trump of being an establishment politician, like calling godzilla a city planner. ( laughter ) that is so extreme! and also, donald trump, it's not enough that he's fighting with the democrats, the f.b.i., the federal court and mexico, now he's also fighting the republicans. he's like a political jackie chan. ( laughter ) he's just slapping everybody! ( laughter ) i'm not going to lie. i could spend my whole life enjoying donald trump in a twitter beef with right-wing republicans but not today
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because i've got carolina on my mind. >> lawmakers in north carolina reached and agreement to repeal the state's so-called bathroom bill, the move after college basketball threatened to move more games out of the state in protest -- >> trevor: wow, i knew college basketball was big in america but big enough to undo transphobia? insane, a man turning into a woman? that is sick! but not as sick as that dunk! am i right? yeah! ( cheers and applause ) honestly, i can't believe this is an issue. north carolina is such a disgrace south carolina changed its name to north georgia. ( laughter ) while this sounds like great news for equal rights, it's not necessarily the win it might seem. >> lgbt activists, some critics are not happy, they don't consider this a victory. they argue the replacement bill still leaves room for
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discrimination. that house bill 142 gives the state the final say regarding multi-stall bathrooms and prohibits cities from issuing their own nondiscrimination ordinances until 2020. >> trevor: i'm sorry, but this (bleep) is pure evil because not only can north carolina lawmakers still discriminate, they've made it illegal to block discrimination. that's just evil. so now the infamous bathroom bill is overturned but the discrimination remains, we means luckily for tar heels they can keep their slogan -- welcome to north carolina, the most confusing state to poop in. confusing state to poop in.
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the valiant taste times of death, but once!!
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uh, excuse me, waiter. i ordered the soup... of course, ma'am. my apologies. c'mon, caesar. let's go. caesar on a caesar salad? surprising. excuse me, pardon me. what's not surprising? how much money matt saved by switching to geico. could i get my parking validated? fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. (sfx: fan) (singer) "okay" ♪ (sfx: chip crunch) ♪ yeah!! ♪ (sfx: chip crunch) ♪ hahahah. (sfx: knives hitting board) hono-o, hono-o, hono-o! translation:flame, flame, flame! (sfx: crunch) ♪ too bad ♪ ♪ woooaaa! ♪ (sfx: tiger roar) (sfx: slap sound) (sfx: punch sound) (sfx: crunch sound) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." it's insane. we were just talking about how much news there is and minutes before we started taping it
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broke that michael flynn, president trump's first national security advisor, has offered to testify to the f.b.i. in exchange for immunity from prosecution. yeah, this just broke. and this is what i was thinking -- i love that the guy who was in the trump white house for literally a week saw enough bad (bleep) to get himself off the hook. ( applause ) it never ends. it never ends. anyway, moving on, i'm assuming that you guys remember rachel dolozone, the naacp leader in spokane until everyone found out she was white. >> are you african-american? >> i don't -- i don't understand -- the question. >> are your parents, are they white? >> trevor: damn -- i love how simple that was. like, she built her whole career on being black and all it took was for one person to just ask
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her and the whole thing fell apart. in fact, what if that's just the secret you can do that to anyone. just ask. we should try with handle people, like dmx. x gonna give it to you -- dmx, are your parents white? ( speaking like a white person ) uh -- gotta go! ( laughter ) anyway, which thought that was the end of rachel, but she's back! >> dolozol changed her name to encatchie dlaro but she's using her name for her memoir. >> trevor: that name is hard-core black. i'm from africa and i'm, like, can i just call you rachel? ( applause ) now, now the world may have rachel dolezol, but here at "the
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daily show" we have our own racially ambiguous person michelle wolf. so we'll get her thoughts. please welcome back michelle wolf, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> hello, trevor! >> trevor: i know this is kind of awkward, but you actually get mistaken for being black quite a lot. >> yeah, like all the time. by, like, strangers, black people, asian people, people i think are dominican but turn out to be puerto rican and then that's a whole thing. all the time, remember when we were in the -- "the daily show" was in cleveland? >> trevor: this is a true story, we were in cleveland for the r.n.c. and michelle and i were walking around and a guy in a park ran up to us out of nowhere and said, hey! what part of africa are you from? i said i'm from southeast -- he said, shut up, man! i'm talking to her! >> a 100% true story.
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some girls get, like, did you fall from heaven? i get, are you from africa? >> trevor: i've never asked you this question, but because some people think that, have you ever considered saying that you are black? >> that is a great question, trevor. the answer is no. ( laughter ) >> trevor: yeah, but you're no stranger to black people and black culture, right? you've written for chris rock, you write for me on the show, your sneak-a-game is pretty great. are you telling me you never feel tempted to claim blackness? >> another great question. uh, no, i don't. ( laughter ) honestly, i could make a really convincing case for myself. look, this is a picture of me as a baby. ( laughter ) look at that! i am the only person in the world who looks like a combination of both.
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yeah, the sun will come out whenever the (bleep) i feel like it! >> trevor: so for real, michelle, you would never try to pass yourself off as black? >> no! and this is something i wish more white people would understand, black isn't just a club we can join! the same way black people cannot just choose to not be black. i mean, i know i'm white. you know how i know i'm white? i can cry myself out of a parking ticket. hell, i can cry myself out of a murder charge. >> trevor: i knew it! ( crying ) i didn't do it! >> trevor: ah, i can't stay mad at you. ahhh! but michelle if you are white and want to be involved in black culture, what do you do? >> we don't need to fake being black to support black people. black people can still work with
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the naacp, white people can say "black lives matter," people can cysten to lemonade and be mad at jay-z. white people can wear a charcoal face mask but we cannot take a selfie. ( applause ) >> hold on! michelle, you're not black? >> no. >> so does this mean i can't call you my (bleep) anymore? >> that is 100% your decision, but i'm gonna hate it. >> that's my (bleep). >> trevor: michelle wolf and roy wood, jr., everybody! we'll be right
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the host of msnbc's "all in with chris hayes" and author whose new book is called "a colony in a
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nation." please welcome chris hayes! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: what's going on, chris? >> not much, how are you? >> trevor: good to see you, man. >> good to be back here. >> trevor: i want to talk about the book today, "a colony in a nation." when i started reading it, i thought i don't know what to expect. i don't know where this is going. a fascinating argument you make. why the title? >> the title comes from a threeaway line from a richard nixon speech in 1968, his big law and order speech. he said black citizens want the same thing as white citizens they don't want to be a colony in a nation. i kept thinking about the phrase in ferguson and west baltimore and kept talking and doing reporting in which people were experiencing their own government like an occupying force, like a colony. i think basically the american criminal justice regime is split into these two worlds. there is the colony where law enforcement feels external,
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oppressive, humiliating, and the nation where it's the kind of criminal justice system we would expect in an open society. >> trevor: a lot of people would argue and say black people are treated unfairly by the system and you argue in the book, no, it's working because there are two different systems, the nation is law and order with the focus on law but in the colony where the black people live it's more focused on order. >> order is key to understanding the appeal. when richard nixon comes out in 1968, he basically says, look, the country is on fire, two political assassinations, riots and we have to have a frank talk about order. order is in the eye of the beholder. enforcing order is kind of a way of creating some social system, right? law is a much more clear thing, safety and security. >> trevor: right. >> then you see it in 2016 when this president comes before cleveland and says i'm going to be a law and order president and he talks about the border being overrun. when you live in o ohio, why do
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you care about the border? because it represents disorder and an unraveling and the appeal of that politics is unbelievably powerful. >> trevor: one thing you did that's interesting is you put yourself in uncomfortable situations or rather you shared the fact you were in them and as a quite male you talk about stories where you were living in brooklyn, for instance, and then you would see a black couple that was arguing and you thought to yourself, well, let me call the police to help them solve this argument and then you go, wait, does it help black people when the police come to solve the argument? >> or does it help anyone in that situation? when i open the book i call when's the last time you called the cops and i relay of a story of the couple arguing. i thought the guy was being abusive but hadn't broken the law. the cop car came and i thought afterwards, what did i do? did i help them? i don't know. i got rid of a noisy disturbance in my neighborhood. >> trevor: right.
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>> how much the way we want the cops and system to operate is to deep things peaceful and quiet for us. >> trevor: that is a weird difference as a white person going, man, this is noisy, you should call the police. my night is not going well, let me involve police. that is a very stark difference with how black people think. >> i think one of the things that happens is when you have an experience with cops, it's your computer's operating system, humming in the background. you think that's the cop, he buys coffee at the dunkin' donuts in the neighborhood, smiles at my kid. the idea of inviting that into your life would be a huge disruption or result in humiliation or danger or something else, it's a hard thing to internalize subjectively. >> trevor: when you look at it as it is applied, the colony in a nation, it seems easy to understand. some people would argue the laws aren't actually different, but you argue they're applied different and i think we've seen
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the statistics and the results. i will say this, though, what i found really empathetic is how you pointed out americans enjoy a penal system, and, so, you will find black men who are overpunished and when a white man like brock turner is in a situation, people say why don't you punish him like a black man as opposed to saying -- >> raise everybody up to a level of due process and forgiveness. we have this rathful instinct in this country, we are a punishing nation. we have the most punitive system and put the most people in prison and sometimes you see people dangle a path to equality in which we can just punish everyone that way as opposed to thinking what we actually want is a world in which we can find forgiveness, redemption, treatment, empathy, due process and good lawyers for everyone down here as well, right, like that leveling everyone up to the point where we have fewer people in prison, where we can look at
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someone not as the sum total of the worst thing they did, that should be the goal. >> trevor: a book worth reading. number two on the best seller list. thank you very much. >> thank you very much. watch the show tonight. >> trevor: "all in with chris hayes," weekdays 8:00 p.m. msnbc and "a colony in a nation." we'll be right hello, welcome. so chevy is the most awarded car company three years in a row. wow. really... let's see how quickly you can read through all their awards. oh gosh... lot of pressure. you ready? go! 2017 motor trend car of the year. kelley blue book 2016 best resale value... 2016 j.d. power highest quality breaking... ack. 10 best blah blah blah 2017 iihs...top safety. only about 90 more to go! 2015
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2017 north american car of the year! that's a lot of awards! who would of thought? great, now i'm going to have to go buy a new car.
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spiked sparkling water. so now you can make the ultra light choice. henry's hard sparkling. the ultra light choice. tonight. thanks for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> nobody ever told me that politics was going to be so much fun. >> i like to have fun, funny or die funny ofun --fun, fun, fun, luis, how'd you get here so fast, man? usually when i call you to fix something, it takes you two weeks. yeah, but this time, you said the magic word-- mucho dinero. nah, man. i said robert de niro. wanted to know if you saw "casino." no. on the phone, you said mucho dinero, amigo. no comprende.

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